I'll have a blue Christmas without you

Usually by this time of the year my Christmas decorations have been up for at least a week or two. For whatever reason this year I have not had any desire to decorate, which is so uncharacteristic of me. I could not pin point why until Jason was cleaning our our guest bedroom closet today and came across our bean's Christmas presents from last year. At various Christmas parties people bought us gender neutral stuffed toys, frames and rattles before knowing if we were having a boy or girl. When I saw those gifts today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not as excited about Christmas or decorating because this is not the Christmas I had envisioned. I remember last year day dreaming what this Christmas would be like. Going shopping with a 5 month old, putting out Santa Claus gifts, having family and friends spoil him way too much, traveling home with a new baby (the list goes on). No, this is not the Christmas I had hoped for, not at all.